The Gifts That Come

Though I grieve its passing, I cannot deny the gifts that came with it.*

That’s a hard thing to say coming out of an abusive marriage.

Grieve its passing?
I don’t grieve what my marriage was, I grieve what it should have been. Don’t confuse the two; many women return to their abuser thinking their pain is about missing him or the relationship. Don’t do that. Recognize and grieve what should have been, not what was.

Gifts that came with it?
I suffered much in my marriage; still suffer in the lingering wounds and realities it has laid down in my life. I don’t consider that a gift. Rather, I consider how I’ve grown through it, how I’ve come to understand and better myself, how I’ve come to fully know and be known by the God who promises His presence and healing.

How then should I live?
Living in the truth of my situation requires I open my eyes to see what is real and then learning how to move forward in that reality.*

I choose.
Because I choose to hold on to the truth of God in the midst of my life; because I choose to learn and grow in strength, purpose, and dignity no matter the reality; because I know how more alive I am today than yesterday, I choose to embrace the grief for what it is and the gifts that come with it.

There is another kind of Love,
One that gives you the courage to be better than you are,
not less than you are.

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*Excerpts from the book, Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn’t Expect by Connally Gilliam.

The Closet

December 1999—the Sunday before Christmas—the first Christmas without him.

I was hanging up my clothes on his now empty side of the closet, and I was grieving the loss of it all.

I believe in fully experiencing the feelings that come and go, for they will come. Allow them, let yourself feel them for the purpose of what they’re intended—healing. Just determine you’re only going to allow them to stay for a short while, not take up residence.

So here I was, hanging up clothes and allowing myself to grieve. But I had to ask, am I grieving over the loss of what was, or what should have been? It’s a question you’ll ask yourself time and again for you’ll face this grief many times over. Just don’t let the enemy fool you into thinking it’s about missing what was. Face the reality head on and let God heal in you what wasn’t.

Though I grieve the failure of my marriage and subsequent divorce, I cannot deny the gifts that came, and continue to come, with it. The loss has shaken me, and my grip on the things of the past has been loosened. My hands are more open to receive whatever God wants to give me in it.