In the eyes of my husband, I was:
- Unattractive, fat and ugly
- Lazy, slothful, and lacking in ability
- A rebellious and contentious wife
In my opinion, what I was actually dealing with in him:
- Narcissism (I was merely an object for his use/misuse)
- Misogyny (love/hate for women based on past rejections)
- Compulsive liar (especially in his projections of me)
- Extremely low self-image that built itself up by negating others
Unattractive?
In my college years I was nicknamed The Heartbreak Hotel; I simply loved playing the field. Considered by many to be a 10 on the appearance scale, I was never at a loss for attention or dates. I was one of the most personable and friendly girls on campus, when in my last year was up for homecoming queen, while dating the President of the Class and Captain of the Soccer and Tennis teams.
After college, my career days followed suit. Well liked by many, sought out by males, I was never at a loss for friends and boyfriends. I weighed around 118-120 pounds (which continued well into my married years), and was physically active in all kinds of sports and outdoor adventures. Living life to its fullest was my motto.
(All this not to brag, but to point out how far off my husband was in his estimation of me.)
In the eyes of my husband—after we were married—I was none of that. The sad thing is, eventually I bought (capitulated) into it. After years of verbal and abusive attacks about my appearance, his consistent and negative remarks began to take its toll. After the birth of our third child, I gave up and quit caring. Depression set in and the weight came on. Prior attentiveness to my appearance vanished and I began a rapid descent into his accusations, eventually becoming exactly what he projected.
I know now the issue was not my appearance but his. In physical stature he was small framed and short on height (of which we were the same); he weighed on average 15-20 pounds more than I did. All that didn’t matter. His self-image needed a smaller and more petite woman who would make his small stature appear larger; someone who would enhance his image and pride/vanity.
He needed me petite and persisted in attempts at getting me there with condemning and hurtful criticisms. I was as small as I healthily could be and pleased with my appearance; just not small enough for him. He consistently belittled and badgered me. I eventually paid the price with a resulting negative and low self-image.
Lazy?
I was a stay-at-home mom with three children whom I home-schooled through to their Middle-School years. I was a/the leader in local home-school groups throughout those years, leader and project manager of outreach ministries in our church, founder and board-member of our neighborhood association, and a writer who eventually went on to publish one of the curriculums I wrote for my children (still in demand and on the market today).
It was never enough—he deemed me lazy, slothful, and lacking in ability. Despite taking good care of my home and family, he always had more for me to do. When I consistently met a standard he set, he would simply raise the bar higher, criticize, and demand more.
He would praise and adore me in public, but scorn and berate me in private.
As a result, I turned to and received affirmation in my community. Taking on projects that inspired and challenged me, I volunteered all the more, which eventually took away from the time I should have spent with my children (especially as they got older). That I regret deeply! It was emotional survival, but my children paid the price.
Rebellious and Contentious?
Near the end of our marriage my husband went to my father and complained about what a rebellious wife I was. My father, deemed by many in the community as a wise and counseled man, strongly rebuked him. Affirming I was absolutely not that when he (my father) gave me at the alter; that if I had since become so, it was at his (my husband’s) hand/doing. My father went on to question him as to what he had done to make me so. That was not what my husband wanted to hear!
The last 10 years of our marriage, we went to several and various counselors. When the counselors would get close to the real issues involving my husband, he would bail. I stuck it out and began working on me. Realizing I couldn’t change him, I could change me; which I did, with a lot of work and many a session.
I was a patsy, unable to say no or stand up for myself; anyone could walk all over me and get what they wanted from me. What I thought was humble submission/service was actually an inability to draw safe and healthy boundaries. When I began to draw those boundaries, no matter how respectfully, those used to taking advantage of me didn’t like it one bit! Especially my husband…
Hence, in his eyes, I became a rebellious and contentious woman. Counselors and pastors alike said differently. Standing up to and no longer tolerating abuse was not rebellion, nor was it contention, especially as I handled it with the respect due.
All that didn’t matter. I was standing up to him. In his eyes that was rebellion, that was contention.
Oppression and Depression
This all took its toll. Some call it depression, some call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I call it an oppression that had pscyhological repercussions. I’ve come a long way in my healing, and continue to do so. However, I still battle it; scars that may never heal… a limp in my walk.
Sometimes depression still gets the best of me. There are good days, and there are bad—mostly good. Through it all, I am in a much better place than I was yesterday.
Do you see yourself in any of what I’ve just described? I hope I’ve shed some light on your darkness. If so, get help! If need, get out! Just don’t passively remain in that kind of bondage. It doesn’t do you nor anyone else any good. More important, you don’t deserve it. Nobody does…
Mal 2:13 And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive [it] with goodwill from your hands.
Mal 2:14 Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.
Mal 2:15 But did He not make [them] one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
Mal 2:16 “For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”
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